How to Survive a Harry Potter Fanfic
by QuesoMath
Summary: As if dying and being reincarnated as Malfoy's sister wasn't bad enough, it turns out that this world of magic is not that of the beloved book series Harry Potter, but is in fact that of a less-than-stellar fanfiction. Seriously, who is writing this world anyways?
1. Chapter 1

How to Survive a Harry Potter Fanfic

May 1st, 1991

Dear Diary,

I know I usually don't have much to say. Mother makes me write in this diary twice a month, and it is rather dull. Today however I have exciting events to share. Two days ago, I woke up in St. Mungo's after falling down the stairs and hitting my head. I seem to be remembering events that never happened to me, but they feel like they did, almost like memories of a past life. Apparently, I was a muggle. I don't know how I feel about this, it seems to go against everything Mother and Father have ever told me. Magic should be inherent to our souls, which would mean that it would be in all our lives. What separates us from the muggles if I was one in my last life? Who am I really? Maybe I am just going crazy. Hopefully this is all just a weird head injury-induced dream. In any case I have determined to not tell anyone about it until I am sure. Mother has been fussing over me all day, and I don't want to make it all week.

Lyra

May 16th, 1991

Dear Diary,

I am now convinced that they are real memories. More come every night in my dreams, but they don't fade like real dreams when I wake. Worse, they seem to be affecting my current self. Yesterday I found myself reaching for my phone in my pocket several times. I'm a lady, I don't have pockets. Also, I shouldn't know what a phone is. They shouldn't even exist according to all I've been taught about muggles. Muggles are supposed to be backwater peasants constantly scrounging in the dirt. They shouldn't have a way to call each other like communication mirrors. And the phones did way more than that. I remember doing all sorts of things on that device. I played games, sent text messages to my friends instantly, and could look up information about anything on a device that sat in my hand. We don't have anything like that. If muggles are as advanced as I am remembering, we may be in serious trouble soon. How could they not know about us? I need to figure out if this is true, but how am I supposed to go to the muggle world without alerting Mother and Father? They would never allow it. I doubt I could even tell Draco, since he tells Father everything. I wish I could write everything down that I remember, but I feel like I need to keep up the act by only writing twice a month. It wouldn't do for Mother and Father to become suspicious.

Lyra

June 1st, 1991

Dear Diary,

I remembered something odd last night. I remembered reading a book series about Harry Potter. It couldn't have been real could it? The series makes no sense thinking about it. Harry Potter is being trained by Dumbledore himself. I know because Father complains about it at least once a month, about how he is being corrupted by light-sided ideals. Everyone knows that Dumbledore and his followers are doing everything they can to stamp out the old ways. They even celebrate muggle holidays at Hogwarts now. That is ridiculous. Of course, I have fond memories of celebrating those myself now, which is giving me a headache. What was I talking about? Oh, right, the Harry Potter books. In them he is staying with his muggle aunt and uncle before Hogwarts and they are the worst people ever. That is nothing like the pampered poster boy of the light that Father talks about. Of course, there is nothing wrong with being pampered as any proper lady should be. The problem is that they are teaching him the wrong sort of things. I'm sure the series was just coincidence.

Lyra

June 16th, 1991

The books were definitely about **the** Harry Potter. I remember more and more every night now. I loved those books so much. I remember being so disappointed when my letter for Hogwarts didn't come. Of course, there were two problems with that. One, I lived in the colonies, so I would have gone to Ilvermorny, not Hogwarts, and two I was a muggle, so no magic school at all. The books are messing with my head. My dear brother Draco is portrayed in such a bad light, and I have to consciously stop myself from thinking about him that way. I almost called him a ferret just the other day. My proper lady personality is slipping, and I am beginning to question everything my parents have ever said. I am not in the books, thank Merlin, but my family is portrayed on the wrong side, and I find myself agreeing sometimes. I don't know what to do. Plus, there is the whole question about if the books really are about the future, where did the muggles get them and why haven't we heard about this? Could they have seers too?

Lyra

July 1st, 1991

I feel like such an idiot in my previous entries. All I had to do to solve my quandary was remember the dates. I was born in my past life on June 2nd, 1995. I hadn't been born yet. I'm so stupid, my reincarnation must have been time travel or to an alternate dimension. Personally, I'm leaning toward the alternate dimension theory, because I'm sure that the magical world would have been found out in my last life with all the technology they had. Notice-me-not charms shouldn't work on CCTV after all. So here I am in a magical dimension, **the **magical dimension of my favorite book series of all time. I'm so excited to watch it all play out. I'm finding it harder and harder to act like the proper lady my parents expect me to be. Luckily, I have the muscle memory for it, so it is not too noticeable, just in my head. And poor Draco has no clue about the brainwashing we both have been through. Of course I know what is right or wrong now, and if the books play out like they should Draco will realize by 7th year, but why wait that long. Maybe I can steer him in the right direction earlier than that and he won't have to go through his crazy redemption arc. It is all up to me now; Lyra Malfoy to the rescue!

Lyra

July 16th, 1991

My Hogwarts letter arrived this week! SSSQQQUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEE! Sorry I had to fangirl for a moment there. I couldn't do that with my family. Nothing more than a polite smirk of course. Stupid posh pureblood family. Ugh! I now have more memories of being Jessica Anderson than I do being Lyra Malfoy. It's really hard to think of myself that way first now. Anyway, the letter said everything word for word like Harry's did in the books. It was the moment I had waited for when I was 11 in my last life. Apparently, I just needed to be hit by a van and reincarnate as Malfoy's twin sister to get my wish. Yeah, I died at 22, when I was fresh out of college. Hit by a van, reincarnated, remembered my past life by hitting my head. It's all rather cliché isn't it? At least this is Harry Potter that I ended up in, and not some Japanese light novel. We can't go shopping until July 31st because Father is too busy until then. Draco has been complaining nonstop about it. I, however, know that that is when he is fated to make an utter arse of himself in front of Harry Potter for the first time. In true fangirl fashion, I will be watching it happen and do nothing to change anything. I'm so excited. I really wish I could ask my questions to Olivander while there. Why do some people take longer to match, when others he can just look at them and hand them a wand? Why aren't there more brother wands, especially for phoenixes? Aren't phoenixes super rare creatures? Hopefully I can ask those questions, but I doubt it. I'll tell you all about it next entry.

August 1st, 1991

I met Harry Potter yesterday! We went shopping for our Hogwarts supplies and sure enough, while being fitted for our robes in walks Harry. He was waaaaay smaller than I expected. Super scrawny too. I guess the Dursleys really don't feed him right. Honestly, he looked so small and cute, but it is still really sad. His clothes were so big and ugly on him. I feel so bad thinking about it, but what could I really do? The worst thing I could do is bring him to my father to get him away from the Dursleys. I think I even saw a bruise on one of his arms. But still, the event happened. It was mostly similar to the books, with Draco acting like he owned the place and Harry feeling awkward. Except he kept staring at me, and when I would look, he would look away and blush. Did he get a crush on me already? Isn't he a little young for that? Of course, that could have just been me being there that changed things. Hagrid is huge though. Seriously the movies did not do his size justice. The books did say his hands are the size of trash can lids, and I guess I never really thought about how big that is before. The proportions are all off on him too, because even with how tall he is, he looks rather squat because of his girth. Seriously, like someone scaled Gimli up to the size of a cave troll. Honestly, I'm not sure how he could look so friendly and intimidating at the same time. It's an art.

After Madam Malkin's we went to Olivander's. My wand ended up being sycamore and phoenix feather, just like my Pottermore quiz said it would. I'm really impressed that it worked out like that. Of course, it took forever to get a wand that worked with me. I couldn't ask any of my questions because my parents ushered me out of the shop, complaining about how much time it took. It was a good thing too because I saw Harry going in only moments later. Apparently matching me took the entire time that it took him to do the rest of his shopping. I couldn't figure out why, but I have a theory. Olivander handed me dragon and unicorn wands first, and quite a few of them, before switching to phoenix ones. Maybe my theory of phoenix wands being rare has merit, so he only brings those out for tricky customers. No progress on the brother wand front, but maybe that is a good thing. People aren't supposed to know about brother wands, right? In any case I now have my adventure wand, and my Father is proud of me for matching a phoenix wand, even if he is upset about the time it took to do so.

August 16th, 1991

Hogwarts draws near and I am wracking my brain to try and remember things of this year. Of course, I'm not going to interfere. My Pottermore wand was correct, so I should be placed in Ravenclaw like I was there too. From Ravenclaw I will be able to fade into the background and quietly watch the events unfold. I will unfortunately miss my brother getting Harry a spot on the quidditch team, and won't be in Potions with them either, but maybe I can sneak off when the troll is released and see Ron defeat it or something. I don't know, but I really don't want to mess up the story too badly. I'm mostly excited to learn magic myself. I probably will be a total nerd, so really should be in Ravenclaw. My next entry will be at Hogwarts. At least there I won't have to keep up this twice a month routine and can write when something interesting happens. Wish me luck!

September 1st, 1991

I am so tired from the long day and train ride, but I have to write this. I can't believe I forgot, but Harry Potter is a girl… I remember now that it was always Harriet Potter, but I guess the books overwrote my memory. I didn't even notice until we were waiting for the sorting and she was wearing a skirt. I guess the short hair made me think otherwise, but I did mention how cute she is. She is totally girly, just with short hair. How could I be so stupid. But that's not even the worst part. The worst part is that if this story is about Harriet Potter, then I am not in the Harry Potter books. If this story is about Harriet Potter, then I have been reincarnated into a Harry Potter fanfiction.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: I guess disclaimers are a thing? Everyone should know I don't own Harry Potter. Also I am definitely not making any money off writing this. If I were I would probably update regularly. As I am not, don't expect anything from me. I am working on a Doctoral Degree in Mathematics right now, so I don't have time for much. I hope you enjoy chapter 2.

_September 1__st__, 1991_

_Honestly the clues were all there. I don't know how I didn't notice it before. Ok, I know how I didn't notice it. I didn't want to notice it. Also, nothing else has been as glaring and Harry actually being Harriet. The only thing that should have given me pause but didn't at the time was the first glimpse of Hogwarts. It was so beautiful shimmering over the lake. The castle itself kind of looks like a hodgepodge of turrets and battlements, but it somehow comes together well, and when it is lit up at night it is like it is floating on the clouds. But the problem was that it first came into view when we were already in the boats. In the books it was clearly visible around a corner on the trail __**before**__ they got to the boats. That was something that my presence should not have changed, but it was different. That is a geographical difference after all. So yes, this is a fanfiction and now all my plans are dead. Will the story I love even be worth watching at this point. I really don't know._

I was excited to go to Hogwarts you know. I thought I would be able to fade into the background and quietly watch my favorite story play out around me. Unfortunately, it seems that whoever wrote this fanfiction is determined to make Malfoy's sister a main character. There are two schools of thought when it comes to writing. Some writers like to present situations and see how their characters react to them. They develop the characters and do their level best to stay true to the people they have created. Naturally this can create problems if your villain kills your hero in chapter 5. If the villain encounters the hero in chapter 5, they would try to kill him, and usually at that point the hero is too weak to fight back. Most people try to walk the fine line between that and our second type of writers, the ones that map out every plot point exactly and force their characters to follow their story. If this is done incorrectly you run the problem of the characters being inconsistent, acting out of character, or introducing a random saving item or person that will never be seen again. Obviously, you don't want that. The problem is, the more I live this new life, the more I'm convinced the author of this reality is firmly in the second category. The story is already written, and I don't know if I have the power to change it. The problem is that I don't think I like my role in this upcoming story. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

My name is Lyra Malfoy. In my last life I was called Jessica Anderson, and I was a huge Harry Potter fan. I can't even count how many times I read those books. I was known to complain loudly about how much the movies messed up the story. I read every scrap of information that J.K. Rowling put on Pottermore. Then, when I was 22, I was hit by a van and died. I reincarnated as Malfoy's sister in what I thought was the Harry Potter universe. Turns out I was wrong. This story was not written by Rowling, but by one of her fans. I have no idea who, and the whole Harry Potter fanfiction universe was so big it was practically alive at the point when I died. I first realized the divergence on September 1st.

We had the perfect sendoff. I must say it's hilarious being part of a "perfect pureblood family." Everything we do is exact and thought out. Appearance is everything in this family. We flooed into Platform 9 ¾, because purebloods should not associate with muggles, so the barrier was out, at precisely 10:30, because a half-hour is the perfect amount of time for a dignified goodbye and to find ourselves a compartment for the journey. Next was the parting instructions.

"Draco, Lyra," Father nodded to us both, "I expect you to be the top two students in your year. No exceptions." We nodded back. Of course, I know there is no way to beat Hermione for top spot, but it's all about appearance after all. "You will be a tribute to Salazar Slytherin's house." I winced internally. I wasn't planning on being in Slytherin. I only hoped they wouldn't be upset since I wouldn't be in Gryffindor either. Externally I, of course, nodded while Draco preened. He was never as good at his emotionless public Slytherin mask after all.

"Of course, Father." I stated, cutting Draco off from saying something that would probably make a fool of himself. He frowned at me.

Next was the sorrowful mother's goodbye. Mother wrapped us both in a hug. It lasted precisely 3 seconds, since she should be sad but not show weakness so that is the perfect amount of time. Sometimes I wonder if my family are secretly robots. "Both of you just do your best. We will be proud of you no matter what." A single tear streamed down her face. I really wonder if that would hold true if I was in Gryffindor. Luckily, I won't have to find out.

Our trunks were handed to us. Father had used a spell earlier to make them light enough for us to carry. "I expect you to learn that spell before you come home for Yule," he had said. "It wouldn't do for a Malfoy to be seen struggling to carry anything like a common muggle." I cannot stress how much appearance matters in this family.

That was the end of our proper goodbye, so with one last look back we boarded.

We had barely gotten settled when two small gorillas walked into the compartment. I was immensely confused until Draco addressed them.

"Ah, yes, Crabb, Goyle." He nodded to them each in turn.

I can't believe I forgot about Crabb and Goyle. Looking back, I can't remember ever meeting them before, but they and Draco were supposed to be inseparable from the very beginning. I thought they were good friends of his, but I'm sure this is the first meeting. And I'm still not convinced they aren't gorillas.

They grunted in response.

I sidled over to Draco to have a whispered conversation with him. I was pretty sure the gorillas wouldn't understand anything I said, but better safe than sorry.

"What are those things?"

"Honestly Lyra, were you not listening to Father this morning at breakfast?"

I thought back to breakfast. Was Father speaking then? I was too busy thinking about what would happen today to pay attention. I sheepishly looked away.

"Their families owe ours a big favor, so Father enlisted them to help us out while at Hogwarts."

Is that how it happened? "Like servants?"

Draco scratched the back of his head. Somehow that action didn't manage mess up the hair that had been plastered to his head. Must be magic? "I wouldn't say it like that." He finally replied.

"So… more like minions?"

Draco rolled his eyes. I'm happy to know that he still feels comfortable showing such emotions with me. Or maybe I just take delight is pushing his buttons. It remains to be seen. "I guess that is a better way to put it, but I would have called them friends instead."

"I'm pretty sure true friends don't have to be coerced into it."

"Whatever." Draco mumbled and sat down, sulking.

I smirked and sat down opposite him, pulling out one of my coursebooks to read on the ride. I knew it would be a few hours till I could watch Draco interact with Harry again.

I was deeply engrossed in my transfiguration text when Draco shook me roughly. The theories behind transfiguration made no sense with my knowledge of modern chemistry. I think that magic is based off Aristotelian theories. For those of you who don't know Aristotle was wrong about a lot of things. His theories were taken as facts and set back sciences for the next several thousand years. They are one of the leading causes of the Dark ages. But somehow magic theory is based off that. It really is fascinating, and I found myself wondering what would happen if I were to apply modern science to it instead. My thoughts were interrupted by my brother.

"What's happening?"

"We are going to meet Potter. My informants have found out which car she is in."

The fated meeting. My inner fangirl started to squeal. I smiled and stood up. "I will be joining you."

Draco nodded and left the compartment, a gorilla on each side. I followed a few steps behind. Two train cars down and we were waylaid by a strange girl. She had the frizziest hair I had ever seen and, wait is that Hermione? Her front teeth were enormous, and I half expected her to speak funny. Apart from the hair and teeth she was rather adorable though. I could see how her fourth-year transformation would work in her favor.

"Have any of you seen a toad? A boy names Neville has lost one."

Her tone was rather arrogant as well. Bossy know-it-all indeed. Draco did not like that one bit.

"No, we haven't, and we are on important business." He sneered at her. "How dare you interrupt with something so trivial."

Hermione looked affronted. Then she put on a determined face. "Well excuse me mister high-and-mighty. I'm only trying to help a fellow student. What makes you think your business is more important than that?" The way she said business was rather sarcastic and condescending. This wasn't even the confrontation I was following to see but I was getting excited. This was a great scene that didn't even happen in the books.

"What..." Draco seemed lost for words. "How dare… Excuse yo… Do you not know who I am?"

"No, I don't." She practically spat the words at him, "and I don't care to."

Hermione brushed past us, bushy hair bouncing along. Draco just stared after her with shock and, is that a blush on his face? Was he attracted by that incident? This is a whole new territory! Did Draco have a crush on Hermione first year? I guess it must have been stamped out once he realized she was a muggleborn. He eventually shook himself off and headed down the hall to his destiny.

Without even knocking he had gorilla 1 open the compartment door. I looked in over his shoulder to see Harry and Ron sitting there with a pile of sweets around them. There were wrappers strewn everywhere, and Ron was currently stuffing his face with vigor, not even perturbed by the new arrivals. It was actually rather disgusting to see.

Draco looked at him with disgust before turning to the tiny little Harry Potter. "So, it's true what they are saying down the train, Harriet Potter has come to Hogwarts. It's you isn't it." I looked over at Harry when he started talking and he quickly looked away. He was staring at me again, wasn't he?

He didn't respond, so Draco continued. "This is Crabb, and that's Goyle." He pointed out the gorillas on either side. "I'm Draco Malfoy." I don't know if he forgot about me behind him, or if he was just interrupted by Ron snorting into his Cauldron Cake.

"Think my name is funny is it? Of course with your ruffled state and red hair you would be a Weasley." That wasn't exactly what he was supposed to say. Was my presence changing him without me meaning to? He turned back to Harry. "You will soon learn, Potter, that some families are better than others. I can help you there." He held out his hand, only to realize that Harry was, once again, looking at me instead.

Harry glanced at his hand and back at him. "Um, no thanks, I think I'm ok on that." Draco was shocked and was once again ignored as Harry addressed me directly. "But you know, you could come join us if you want Miss…"

Draco turned back to me, opening Harry's vision further to see me as everyone turned to me as one. Even Ron looked confused by Harry's sudden attention.

My pureblood etiquette training kicked in before my brain rebooted. I found myself in a curtsy. "Malfoy, Lyra Malfoy." I responded.

"You can call me Harry." He sent me a dazzling smile, and was that a sultry tone? Was he flirting with me? Once again, I thought we were all 11 here, and Harry looks like he is 9, so what is up with that tone? "You know we have more sweets than we can handle." Ron looked offended by that. "You are welcome to share."

"Uh…" I seriously didn't know what to do. I was supposed to just be watching the exchange, not participating. "No thanks, I think we should be getting back to our compartment." I grabbed Draco's arm and pulled him away. He was too shocked to even respond and allowed me to lead him away. Gorillas one and two did not seem coherent enough to be shocked, but instead obediently followed.

The rest of the ride proceeded without incident. I returned to my transfiguration studies, all commenting on how it was harder to transfigure things to different humor states or different states of matter. Humors of course referring to the Aristotle theory on the substances in the human body. Once again, it is utter garbage. It got me wondering if the biggest challenge to transfiguration is people's own minds. Most of the exercises have us transfiguring things that seem similar: a match into a needle, a hedgehog into a pincushion, a beetle into a button, etc. Maybe people think that similar things are easier to transfigure, but if the molecular structure is different then that shouldn't make a difference should it? This will take some serious experimentation and study to figure out. Wow I am such a nerd aren't I. Did I mention I majored in Chemistry?

The trip on the boats was beautiful, and the first glimpse of Hogwarts over the water was amazing. We got into the chamber outside the great hall and McGonagall gave her spiel. That, at least, was word-for-word what I remembered. Then she left us, and I looked around, trying to recognize everyone. The Patil twins were obvious, being the only ones of Indian descent there. I saw a chubby boy next to Hermione that must have been Neville. Other than that, I only really recognized Ron and Harry. Everyone else was mostly NPCs at this point, but I was hoping to see some of the characters we get to know later, like Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot. I guess I did recognize Nott. He was at a few family parties in the past though so that doesn't really count.

With nobody else to observe I looked back to Harry. Luckily, he wasn't looking at me. He looked rather nervous. His feet were turned in and his knees were visibly pointing inward just under his skirt line. Wait…. skirt line? Harry was wearing a skirt…. Harry is a girl…... How did I not remember that? Immediately I recalled Father complaining about Harriet Potter…. Harriet Potter. It was always Harriet Potter wasn't it? It's like my brain was constantly blocking me from noticing. Draco even called her Harriet on the train earlier and I ignored it. She did say I could call her Harry though.

No wonder things were different. Harry was a girl this whole time. She is quite cute. A petite little thing with short curly hair, big round glasses, and vibrant green eyes. But if Harry is a girl then what else is different? I found myself thinking back on everything that was different, and the problems kept building.

Harry looked way worse than she should, like the Dursleys were actually physically abusive.

Platform 9 ¾ had a floo that we used, but if that was true in cannon the Weasleys should have as well.

The first glimpse of Hogwarts that I got was when I was already in the boats, when in the book it clearly happened on the trail to the lake.

Draco seemed to have a crush on Hermione from the first encounter, which never happened in the books.

Harry seems to have a crush on me, which is awkward since Harry and I are both girls, and I am straight.

This is bad, really bad. It was all the little things, but it painted a dangerous picture. This isn't _Harry Potter_ that I reincarnated into. This is some alternate universe instead. This is some sort of Harry Potter fanfiction.

If this is a fanfiction than all my future knowledge goes out the window. Who knows what events will stay the same? Is this a mostly cannon Dramione story? Is this a totally different Harry beats Voldemort by 5th year story? What is going to happen next? I honestly don't know anymore.


End file.
